Legacy
by silvershadeus
Summary: Watari's journal
1. Default Chapter

Erm...this was just something that popped into my head during my nightly bout of insomnia. It's kind of an experiment of my own. It's basically a journal from Watari's POV. He's a little more serious in this than in the anime, but not by all that much really. Mostly just rambling, probably plot to come in the future.

Anyway, be sure to let me know what you think about it, all right? Otherwise I won't know, and as everybody who ever watched _ G.I. Joe_ could tell you: '...knowing is half the battle.'

>_

~silvershadeus~

Disclaimer: I do not own _ Yami no Matsuei_, I'm just borrowing the characters for a little bit.

Feedback, onegai! ^_^

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**Legacy - Part 1**

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It's been a long time since I've done this. Written in a diary - or journal - whatever you want to call it. The last time I did this was when I was still alive, and that was years ago. Decades, really. It's funny how one of the first things you lose touch of here is your sense of time.  
  
When you're dead, time ceases to have meaning. When you become whatever I am now - not quite dead, and not quite alive - time is simply confusing. Things tend to get that way when you have far too much of it - and an endless supply of more.  
  
It's the reason why there are so many clocks here. Why most of us wear watches, even those like me who didn't bother to while we were alive. And even then I manage to lose track of time puttering around in my lab or engrossed working on some new invention. Sometimes I get lost in a book that I hope will tell me the secret to making the sex-change potion I've searched for, for so long.  
  
003, my faithful little owl watches out for me at times like that. She flutters around madly, hooting her little heart out to get my attention to make sure I'm not late for staff meetings and the like.   
  
When that doesn't work she resorts to more drastic measures. Like pulling on my hair, or dropping things on me. Never anything breakable however, she learned that lesson early on after the incident with the specimen sample I had gotten for an experiment.   
  
The stench lingered for _months_.  
  
Sometimes when even those methods don't work she'll land on my head and work those sharp little talons of hers. She's gotten to the point to where she doesn't draw blood, but where her talons cause the most pain. It would be worth studying, if it weren't _my_ head she was using. She exercises remarkable muscle control, and conscious thought. Amazing, really.  
  
She's such a good friend, though. I share all my secrets and my deepest desires with her. She's the only one of my friends who knows why I want to create a sex-changing potion so badly. And she's the only one who has never looked at me as though she honestly thought I was crazy.  
  
Oh, she gives me odd looks from time to time when I'm about to do something particularly dangerous or stupid - but she never makes me feel stupid. I know the others don't mean to make me feel that way - I know that. It's just that when they turn those uncomprehending looks on me that I feel that way. When they ask me if I really 'know what I'm doing' in that tone of voice that says they think otherwise... You can only take things like that for so long before they start to make an impression you. Before you start to wonder if maybe they have a point.  
  
Surely if so many people are in agreement, they must be right, right?   
  
Right.  
  
Perhaps...but then again I was never much of a conformist. If you were to ask any of my friends, they would tell you that. The fact that I've kept my hair long instead of choosing a traditional short hairstyle should prove that point more than adequately. That, and the goal of my 'life's work.' Surely no ordinary, conformist scientist would ever hope to achieve what I do with all my being.  
  
And then there is 003, of course.  
  
To me...she might as well be human. There are times when I look into her eyes - they're quite fascinating, from a scientific standpoint - when I swear she understands me perfectly. She's smarter than any owl I've ever heard of. I'm not sure how I know, but I know that she's no normal owl. But that would explain why she chooses to stay with me wouldn't it? A normal owl would have fled long ago.  
  
As I said, she's a good friend. Perhaps the best one that I have ever had. She knows the things that trouble me, that keep me awake at night. She knows the questions that I don't dare ask anyone else. And she knows the things that pose such wonderful, maddening, frustrating, _fascinating_ puzzles for me to sort out.   
  
And the fact that I have endless amounts of time in which to figure those things out...  
  
I can't help but wonder if this is what being immortal is like. I know some of us would say that we _are_ immortal, but somehow I don't think so. There were others here before us, that much I know. And with Hisoka joining our ranks, there is no doubt in my mind that there will be more to come.  
  
There is simply too much pain and darkness in this world for there not to be. Too many people with their own reasons to become Shinigami, even though not everyone is granted that honor. Or cursed with the duty that comes with it - depending on whom you speak to.  
  
The things we do...they are not the things anyone should have to do. They aren't the kinds of things that anyone should know about.   
  
So I do not think we are immortal. The very definition of the word proves that point:

immortal, _adj_. 1. not subject to death. 2. perpetual; everlasting. 3. remembered through all time. -- n. 4. an immortal being. 5. a person of enduring fame.

How can we consider ourselves immortal if we have already died? And nothing, not even gods or religion lasts forever. Countless ruins and fallen faiths down on Earth prove that fact as well.   
  
We are not dead, and we are not alive. Nor are we immortal. We are something else, strung between life and death in some delicate balance.  
  
We laugh, we cry, we love...and we are capable of hate. We feel the pain of unrequited love, and the bliss of mutual love. We feel the cold and the heat. We feel hunger and thirst. We bleed when we are injured. And we can die.  
  
We all fear that second death because we know that there will be no third chance after it. No returning as Shinigami. Nothing but to go on to Heaven or Hell, or whatever lies between. So we do what we can to prevent that from happening. We fight tooth and nail to see that we do not die again.   
  
Perhaps it was meant to be that way for us, though. If we truly were immortal then we would not appreciate this second chance we have been given. We would take needless risks, putting others and ourselves in danger. And when you lose your fear of death, you also lose whatever appreciation you once held for life. And that is not something that can ever be forgiven.  
  
It's a delicate balance that we must maintain every day of our existence, and we never really take notice of that fact. Not to the point where we acknowledge it on a daily basis. We are aware of it, on some level - but we do not act upon that knowledge consciously.  
  
On one side is death, and the other life. We walk that middle ground, guarding both from danger. It is our duty, as Shinigami.   
  
Gods of Death.   
  
But I digress. This was why I stopped keeping a journal I think. My mind wanders off in some random direction and keeps on going.   
  
I wanted to keep a record of my thoughts and feelings on my life here. For the next 'mad scientist' that comes along to take my place. Because I know there will be one some day. As there will be someone to take Chief Kanoe's place. As there will be someone for Tatsumi, Tsuzuki and even Hisoka. As there will be someone for everyone here, in time.  
  
There will be others, because nothing ever lasts forever, no matter how much we might wish it to. No one can stand guard as we do forever. Eventually we must stand down from our posts and let others take over where we cannot.  
  
And I want my successor to have the knowledge of what went on before they came here. Of the people who held the line between life and death. Of my experiments, my successes, my failures... and my family.   
  
Because that is what they have become to me. They crossed that line of co-worker to friend long ago, and again from friend to family not so long ago. And it is not something that I would ever give up, or regret. We have been through many things together that we would never have been able to survive apart. That is what makes a stranger family. Not some fickle tie of blood, but ties of the heart. Of the soul.   
  
This journal...this compilation of my experiences and thoughts will be my gift to those who come after us. To you, who will read this when I am gone. A little piece of immortality from someone who was once mortal. Here I will show the side of myself that I do not show others freely. The part of me that understands the darker side of life. The side of me that has seen the kind of hatred and evil that human beings are capable of. The side of me that does not always laugh and joke and smile.  
  
To you I offer my world.   
  
My life.  
  
Hold it with care and treat it well, for one day someone may do the same with yours. Until then, I welcome you into mine. 

~ _ Yutaka Watari _ ~

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**TBC...**

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A/N: The definition used in this part was courtesy of the _ Random House Webster's Dictionary_ my brother gave to me when he left for college. 


	2. Part 2

Hee...thanks for reviewing the first part of this fic everyone! This is the second part, and since I still haven't read the manga (but I plan to get them as soon as I have enough money saved up...>_) so a lot of this is based off of what I know of the anime and things that my mind came up with, so tell me if I got something wrong, please!

~silvershadeus~

Disclaimer: I do not own _ Yami no Matsuei_, I'm just borrowing the characters for a little while.

Feedback, onegai! ^_^

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**Legacy - Part 2**

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I remember reading once that to know the world, first you must know yourself and where it is that you fit into that world. Or perhaps that was something someone once told me - the details escape me at the moment, but that does not mean that there is no meaning behind those words.   
  
I am Yutaka Watari, resident mad scientist, although my real title is that of a professor of mechanical engineering. I find myself forever fascinated with the workings of anything mechanical, often to the point of distraction. I like to disassemble things to discover how they work, and sometimes I manage to improve on them in some small way.   
  
It's a hobby, and somewhat of an obsession. There have been times where I just sit and stare at something that I know I cannot literally take apart, doing so in the confines of my mind. I visualize myself removing the covering, setting the tiny brass screws aside so that I won't lose them. Then I poke around carefully, moving aside wires that have been neatly color-coded. Sometimes I manage to make it to the next step, but more often 003 or one of my friends interrupts me, bringing me back the present.  
  
Usually they find it amusing. Yet another quirk of eccentric, yet lovable Watari. I would argue the point, if I thought doing so would prove worthwhile. It is a quirk of mine, to want - no, to _need_ - to know how mechanical things work. I would imagine a doctor would feel the same way. The needing to understand how a thing works - what function it serves - in order to be able to either duplicate it or repair it.   
  
I also dabble in things I have been told would be better off left alone. I seek to create a sex-change potion - something that my friends do not understand. I would enlighten them, if I thought they would understand. For now I am content to let them think I am quietly mad and leave it at that. They might even be right, I can't argue that point - but my reasons are my own - and will most likely stay that way.   
  
Though I am by no means an expert chemist, I find that my skills are improving with each new failure. As it was once said that you must be willing to lose a battle to win the war, so it is with my experiments. The others may expect me to lose hope with each new failure I suffer, but I know it is just the opposite. Each failure is proof that I draw ever closer to the success I know lies ahead of me somewhere. I only need to find it.   
  
And I am, as all of us are, a Shinigami. A God of Death. And as all of do in some small way - I have a gift. A power that baffles even me at times. It would seem that there is no point in being able to imbue a drawing with life - but appearances are often deceiving. While my ability may never avert a rampaging creature such as Tsuzuki's shikigami or Tatsumi's shadow magic will - it has it's own uses. And it has proven it's worth time and again in the past, and no doubt will again in time to come. Nothing - no matter what it appears to be - is ever truly useless. It only becomes so when you no longer have faith in it...or yourself.  
  
And then there is the fact that my gift is not my only saving grace. There is the fact that I am a skilled mechanical engineer, and doctor of sorts. I am the one who tends to the others when they are injured or sick. That I am the one they rely on when even the GuShoShin brothers cannot help them in their research.   
  
I am, as I have stated earlier, not a conformist. My first death occurred when I was twenty-four during the late seventies. Long hair such as mine was not uncommon then - but neither was it fully accepted by 'polite society.' I was never interested in following the pattern that society fell into, nor was I interested in actively disrupting that same pattern. I simply wanted to exist alongside it, but not part of it. Perhaps that does not make sense to you who will read this, but one day I am sure it will. The day you learn to accept who and what you are, you will understand what I mean.  
  
So that is my place in my world. Where I belong. What I do, and what I am. I am the one who knows things the others often do not. The one who they turn to when they are in need of help, and can find no other to offer them that help. I am their doctor, their confidant, and their friend. I am the one who will sit and listen, and who will not cast judgment on them because that is not what they have asked of me. I will listen when they cannot bear the silence any longer.   
  
Perhaps they tell me so much because they see me as someone they know will never turn them away. Perhaps they feel that as their doctor I have an obligation to keep whatever they tell me between the two of us. That implied trust in the 'Doctor-patient privilege' relationship.  
  
Or perhaps they know that I would never reveal anything they have told me to anyone else, because I am their friend. It is a role that I never expected to take up, but one I am profoundly glad to have been given. One that I accept freely and willingly. One that I would not trade for any other. It is the role of a lifetime. The one that I never expected to receive, but am grateful beyond words that I have.   
  
There is a rule that states Shinigami are only to work in pairs. That we are required to have a partner, someone who will watch our back and protect us if necessary. I have had partners in the past, but never for very long. They claim that they cannot stand my methods, my habit of testing experiments out on them. My tendency to sometimes act first and think later, when it comes to reaching my lifelong goal.  
  
As though any of my experiments ever had any _lasting_ effects on any of them. I mean really...  
  
Chief Kanoe has given up on trying to place another Shinigami with me as my partner. Either they fear I will pounce on them and use them as a guinea pig for my experiments, or they simply do not understand me. Too often, it is the former. There are many stories of my scientific endeavors floating around for anyone to want to voluntarily become my partner.   
  
I am sometimes paired with one of the GuShoShin brothers, but more often than not it is just 003 and myself. Which pleases me to no end. She is the best partner I could ever hope for. She protects me in what ways she is able, and I do the same for her. We make an unusual team, but an effective one. And who would ever suspect a harmless little owl of being a Shinigami's partner?  
  
The only other Shinigami I know of who has gone through as many partners as I have is Tsuzuki. We are very much alike in that way I think. Until lately, there has been no one up to having the violet-eyed Shinigami as a partner for any substantial length of time.   
  
There was always something that prevented his partners and him from forming that perfect team that partners should be. Tatsumi was one of them, once. He has never declared his reasons for breaking off their partnership, but anyone with eyes to see knows his reasons.  
  
It is plain enough for a blind man to see, and painful enough for even a dead man to feel the ache in his chest at the mere thought of it. Love is ever a cruel mistress. Even more so when that love is one-sided, as Tatsumi's love for Tsuzuki was. There was love between them, but never the kind of love that Tatsumi wanted.  
  
Tsuzuki claimed that he was not bothered by the fact that he had no partner. He claimed that working with one of the GuShoShin brothers instead of another Shinigami was perfectly fine.   
  
He was always a poor liar when it came to matters of the heart - or the soul.  
  
Unlike me, who has all the partner I could hope for in 003, Tsuzuki needs the closeness only another human could give him. He needs someone to talk to who will talk back to him. He needs someone who will listen to him - and answer in ways that he understands. He needs others, perhaps more than he needs air to breathe or water to drink.  
  
And then Hisoka came to us, becoming Tsuzuki's new partner. He is the only one who can stand to see Tsuzuki in pain, and do something about it. The only one who understands his pain far better than anyone else has ever been able to. He is the only one who that Tsuzuki has ever reacted to so strongly before. The only one that Tsuzuki can't get out of his mind. The only one who lingers behind his eyes and his smile long after Hisoka has left the room.  
  
They make a good team, I think. Both are suited for each other, and both are fiercely protective of each other. And...there is something more there, which anyone could see, if they had the eyes to.   
  
Ah...but I still haven't introduced them, have I? To you the names I've mentioned may sound familiar in the way an actor or actress's name from some bygone era would be. You think you've heard them, but are unable to place a face to the name. It's the same for me concerning those who came before us, I'm afraid.   
  
I would tell you more of them, but it is late now, and there is a meeting early tomorrow morning. One that I absolutely cannot be late for or miss - Tatsumi made quite sure that I understood that part. And now 003 is hooting for me to open the window and let her back inside after her nightly flight around the Meifu, which means that it is even later than I thought. So until the next time I write in this journal, be well.

~ _ Yutaka Watari_ ~

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**TBC...**

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	3. Part 3

Hee...here's part three of "Legacy" - I hope I didn't mangle anyone too badly in this part. ^^;;

~silvershadeus~

Disclaimer: I do not own _ Yami no Matsuei_, I'm just borrowing the characters for a little while.

Feedback, onegai! ^_^

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**Legacy - Part 3**

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It's odd, when you think about it just how much habit and routine plays a part in your daily life. I've heard it said that people are creature of habits, and I would have to agree that that is something that is all too true.   
  
People typically wake up at a certain time, and then go through certain preset routines. Brush your teeth. Take a shower. Start the teakettle. Rifle through the cabinets for dishes -   
  
And these routines - habits - begin the moment you wake up. They continue throughout the day even though you may not quite be aware of it. You leave your home at a certain time. You make your way to work in order to get there at a certain time. You're used to seeing certain things on your way that would catch your attention if they weren't there because you have grown used to seeing them. But you aren't consciously aware of this fact - some part of you just knows.  
  
It's that same part of you that expects to be able to leave for lunch at a certain time everyday. The same part of you that thrives on those preset routines because they make your life easier. Simpler.   
  
It makes it easier going though life with some decisions already made and taken care of. The seemingly small, inconsequential ones. The ones like should you shower or brush your teeth first? Either way would be perfectly fine, but you do those things differently than another person would because it has become habit to you. The same is true of other things in life.   
  
Another thing that I have heard said is that allowing yourself to fall into a predictable routine is a dangerous thing. And it is also something that has some truth behind it.  
  
Allowing yourself to fall too deeply into a daily routine can often seem as though you are in a rut. Doing exactly the same things over and over again, day after day. The brain is not something that thrives solely on habit and set routine. It needs to be stimulated by spontaneity - and the unexpected. It needs to experience things other than trying to decide which brand of tea you should drink or when you should water the plants.  
  
And then there are the more...life-threatening things that occur because you allow yourself to follow routine so thoroughly. We Shinigami are not without our enemies. People or beings that would be glad to see the end of out existence - for differing reasons. If they were to learn your routine, you would me marking yourself as easy prey.   
  
At least, that's how my reasoning often goes when I try to explain to Tatsumi just why I'm often late for staff meetings and the like. But perhaps the fact that he was expecting me to be late for this morning's meeting is a sort of predictability in and of itself?   
  
Ah well, at least he was not too upset at the fact that I arrived late. In fact, if I didn't know any better I would have though he was amused by my arrival. As though having a small owl clinging to your hair to keep from being left behind is painless. Still...it is nice to see Tatsumi smile every once in a while. He's normally so serious.  
  
I suppose his position as the secretary of the Summons Division is partly to blame for that. He acts as Chief Konoe's right hand man, and watches over the budget like a hawk. If even one penny is misplaced he will find out where and why. The rest of the blame...all of us have become Shinigami for personal reasons, and Tatsumi is no exception to that rule.  
  
But you don't know this Tatsumi I'm talking about, do you? Seiichirou Tatsumi is a complicated man, and I doubt that I will ever understand all that there is to know about him. His quite possibly the most intricate, convoluted puzzle that I have ever been presented with - but he is one that I determined to solve.  
  
Tatsumi is the sort of person that you know is reliable because he appears that way. Always smartly dressed, not a hair out of place. He appears very dependable and trustworthy simply because he is. He is somewhat of a father figure to the younger Shinigami like Hisoka who never had such a person in their lives. He treats everyone with equal respect and politeness and in a way that lets them know that he does value them and their opinions.   
  
You know that you can place your trust in Tatsumi and not have to worry about it being misplaced, and you know that if you ever need his help, he will be willing to offer it to you. He is like a steady support pillar - something that you do not always take note of, but are thankful for all the same in the back of your mind. He is somewhat like a shadow himself, always there but not so that you would notice unless you chose to look for him. Fitting, for someone who uses shadows as his means of defense and attack.   
  
As far as I know there have only been two Shinigami able to use shadow magic - Tatsumi and the man who taught him how to use his shadow magic. I've heard that it is a rare ability, to harness the very shadows to your command. Almost a rare a thing as someone of Tatsumi's character. I hope that you who read this meets someone like him one day. Your existence will certainly be the better for it.   
  
He is the sort of person who would do anything in his power to protect those he cares for. The sort of person who would not hesitate to destroy anything or anyone who dares to lay so much as a finger on someone he calls friend.  
  
But to explain more about Tatsumi would require me to tell you a little more of this morning's staff meeting. And I'm sure that by now you know that once you've been to one staff meeting you have been to them all. First there are the polite greetings. Sometimes a handshake is involved if it is someone you haven't seen for a while and do not know very well. Then there are a few moments of idle talk while you wait for the meeting to begin. The scrape of a spoon against someone's coffee cup as they stir sugar and cream into it. All in all...not very conducive to stimulating one's thought processes.   
  
And then there are the chairs you must sit in. Hard plastic things that appear to have been designed to be uncomfortable to sit in for prolonged amounts of time. The meeting room is almost always chilly first thing in the morning due to the heat having just been turned on. And there is that air in the room of everyone quite clearly wishing to be somewhere else at the moment. Even engrossed in paperwork they have been putting off for days - so long as they are anywhere else.   
  
Tatsumi started the meeting with inquiries as to whether anyone had any objections to using non-dairy creamer in the break room instead of dairy creamer. To save on budget costs, I believe he said. There were none, of course. You do not object to anything Tatsumi says when it concerns the budget unless you have concrete proof that your objection is valid backing you up. It is simply not a wise thing to do so otherwise. And sometimes even in spite of such evidence. Tatsumi can be frightening, when he chooses to be.  
  
From there the meeting went on to entail other matters around the office: Tsuzuki's habit of overspending while in the field. Tsuzuki's habit of taking longer lunch breaks to work in more time for his sweets. Tsuzuki's -   
  
In fact, Tsuzuki and his habits and eccentricities took up quite a lot of this morning's meeting. One would almost think that Tatsumi was targeting him specifically for some reason. Certainly it couldn't be due to the fact that Tatsumi still worries about him.   
  
Certainly not.  
  
But then again, that is most likely what Tatsumi would like to have you believe. He is not someone given over to showing his emotions in a way that most people might. Part of his past coming into play, I think. It is something that makes Tatsumi the man he is, but it is also something that makes him the man he wishes he could be.   
  
Too often I have seen him looking wistfully at Tsuzuki and Hisoka - no doubt thinking of what could have been, 'if only...' Too often I have seen him staring off into nothing, his eyes full of sadness. Too often I have seen him hide the pain he feels because of things he did not do. Things he did not say. Things he cannot do or say.  
  
'If only' he could have told Tsuzuki his feelings for him. 'If only' he had been able to reconcile his past with his present. 'If only' things had been different... It is a common enough lament for Shinigami - those of us who are what we are because we could not give up the hold life had on us. It is also a common lament for those of the living. A regret for a harsh word spoken in a bout of anger that was never meant to hurt. A regret for a thoughtless action. A regret for things left unsaid, undone.  
  
Everyone bears some secret regret. Some bit of their past that they can never lay to rest because of those two words that will forever haunt their thoughts - 'If only...' It is these regrets that hold them back, that keeps them from being the person they _could_ be - 'if only...'  
  
There's a certain sense of irony in that, isn't there? The same thing that holds you back is the thing that can help you move forward. The needing to face your pain to move past it. The wanting something to let it go.   
  
There is a saying that if you love a thing, you must let it go. And if it returns to you, then it is yours to keep. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.   
  
Tsuzuki was that to Tatsumi, I think. The thing - the person - that he loved but had to let go because he loved him. Because he knew that Tsuzuki had never been his to keep, no matter how much he might have wished him to be.   
  
And although Tsuzuki did not return to Tatsumi, neither did he abandon him. Nor did Tatsumi abandon Tsuzuki. He has made it a habit of his to watch out for Tsuzuki where and when he can. It is his way of showing his love for Tsuzuki - as his friend. It is Tatsumi's way of showing that he cares; in the only way he can. And I do not think that doing so will ever be something that Tatsumi regrets. There are other things that I know he will always regret, but caring for his friends - for Tsuzuki - will never be one of them.  
  
I seem to have lost track of time once again, and 003 seem to think so as well. It is just that the words seem to flow so easily late at night when I am alone with my thoughts. Even the ones that I know will get me into some form of trouble or another via a new experiment or invention. But that is neither here nor there at the moment, is it? Ah well, another night another entry in this journal of mine. I can only hope that you are beginning to see the way things were before you came here.  
  
Perhaps they aren't so different from the way things are the way you know them. I can only hope so; otherwise I think we have failed you in some way. Be sure to treasure the friends you have, and value them for what they are - not what you might wish them to be. And remember that letting go doesn't always mean goodbye.

~ _ Yutaka Watari_ ~

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**To Be Continued...**

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	4. Part 4

  
Whee! Another part! It's been a while, I know. I've been working on a sequel for "Surrender" and had a bit of a mental block so I decided to finish this part since I've had the first half sitting in my harddrive for a while now...^^;;

  
~silvershadeus~

  
Disclaimer: I do not own _Yami no Matsuei_, I'm just borrowing the characters for a little while.

  
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**Legacy - Part 4**

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They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Well...that's not anatomically true, but I'm hoping whoever reads this already knows that. It's one of those odd little figures of speech humans are so very fond of. But they also say that for every myth, legend or tall tale there is a grain of truth in it. The same holds true for this little turn of phrase...for certain people.

Tsuzuki Asato is one such person.

Not to say that he is oblivious to the point where he is blinded to anything but the food you place in front of him. It's just that if you happen to be someone that he trusts, he tends to be a bit...careless. Although 'careless' isn't quite the word I'm looking for. It just happens to come the closest to the meaning I intend. To say that he's 'trusting' would be stretching the truth a little too far. 

Tsuzuki _does_ trust us...but only to a certain point. 

I don't think that he's quite realized that trust works like a balance/counterbalance system. You must place the same amount of trust in someone that you expect in return. If you are unstinting in this, there is balance and true trust is achieved. If you hold back - out of fear, uncertainty or some other reason - there is no balance and therefore genuine trust cannot be reached. 

Very few people manage to achieve true trust. It is a rare and precious thing. Something to be valued for all that it represents. To have someone's complete and utter trust is something that can never be measured by any scientific or mathematical means. It's something you either understand or you don't. 

Simple in its complexity…and therein lies the subtle genius of it. 

Just as everyone harbors a secret regret, neither do they ever reveal all there is to know about themselves. There is always a part of themselves that they hold onto tightly - almost jealously - never wanting to let go. 

Some memory of the past, perhaps. A wish or desire that they would rather die than reveal. The name of a secret love they know is unattainable for whatever reasons. The fact that they feel differently than those around them on a given subject. It can be any of a million different things, and they fear anyone else discovering it. 

They might not be aware of it, but they can't find it within themselves to trust another being with that part of them. It isn't a matter of having known someone for any given length of time or knowing that they are trustworthy. It's a matter of listening to that little voice in the back of their mind. 

The one that tells them that they would be ostracized if anyone knew the complete truth. That others would look at them with pity or disgust. That it's better no one else knows. They won't need to fear facing the reactions of other people if they just keep their secrets secret. 

I can't entirely fault Tsuzuki for doing such a thing, as I do it myself. We all have our reasons for what we do. Our reasons behind the masks we wear. Our reasons for our reasons. 

I don't doubt that you, who read this now, have secrets of your own. Some part of you that will never see the light of day because you carry the fear of discovery within you. The fear of being made outcast. Perhaps you will prove to be wiser than we have by revealing that part of what makes you the person you are to the people you trust. 

I can only hope that by the time you read this, we have already done so. I would like to know what it feels like to have someone's complete trust one day. And I would like to know what it feels like to be relieved of the burden that I carry within me. 

But I seem to have gotten sidetracked once again, don't I? I was telling you about Tsuzuki. One of my coworkers who is also friend and family to me. Hopefully you will have heard of him...he is one of those people that is hard to forget. One of the ones that you hope never to forget. 

It would take far too long to recount the number of times he has gotten himself into trouble because of some particularly tasty treat. Or the number of times he has been tricked into something for exactly the same reason. 

It would almost be easy to say that he is an idiot for allowing things like that to happen. And although Tsuzuki is many things, he is most certainly not an idiot. He chooses to act like one a great deal of the time, but you can tell - if you care to look closely enough - that he is far more than that. 

He watches and observes, taking mental notes and smiling that sweet little smile of his. Trying to tell you that he didn't see the little frown on your face just then. That he didn't notice the way you tensed when a certain subject was brought up. That he doesn't know you're hurting - and trying not to show it. 

Actors and actresses measure their ability based on the skill they have to make others believe they are somebody else. That for a little while they are a character out of myth or legend. That they are whom you see and nothing more than that. And Tsuzuki, I have learned, is perhaps one of the greatest actors I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He wears his masks - his roles - so very well that few have ever taken notice of them. Few people have ever caught him switching costume. Few ever see past the act. 

And that is the mark of a truly excellent actor. The ability to make people believe what they see and not what they know to be true. 

You would never guess it to look at Tsuzuki when he is acting childishly that he is the most powerful Shinigami among us. That he can call on the Twelve Gods…but do you know what I'm talking about, I wonder? Perhaps you would recognize only the names of Suzaku, Byakko, Genbu and SohRyu. And perhaps you've even heard of Tohda, whose black flames can kill even a Shinigami? Perhaps now you understand a little about how powerful Tsuzuki is, that he can call these beings his allies…and even friends. 

The most telling thing about Tsuzuki is that he chooses to call them friend, more than anything else. He treats them as though they are no different from him and perhaps that is why they have chosen to protect him. More than power, they look for those who have no malice in their hearts. No secret desire to abuse the power they would be granted by being allowed to summon the Twelve Gods. They look for someone they can trust, and they have found that person in Tsuzuki. 

He does not seem to think it is of any great importance that he has gained their trust and in return their power, which says so much about him while saying so little. It is something that makes Tsuzuki who he is, something he is not even aware of. That he gains the trusts of others with so little effort on his part but is unaware of how much that same trust means. 

Just as one of his true gifts is the one that allows him to smile even though you know he is hurting, and the ability to make you believe that the smile is real. Even though you know it isn't. You wouldn't think that he hurts when you look at his smile. You wouldn't think that someone who laughs and smiles the way he can would be anything but happy and content. 

But then the same could be said about anyone, really. Take a look at the person closest to you. Not in distance, but friendship. Do they seem happy to you? Truly happy? Do their smiles sometimes look as though they hurt? Do they sometimes avoid answering the most simple of questions? Have they ever shown you anything other than a friendly smile? 

Perhaps they're afraid to show you that side of themselves that refuses to smile. The side of themselves that carries pain and hurt and unshed tears. Perhaps they can't allow themselves to do that, for some reason known only to them. Perhaps it was the way they were raised when they were alive. To always show the world a smiling mask even though they hurt inside. To always put others before themselves. To always forego their own happiness for someone else's. And perhaps all that they know are fake smiles and inner pain because they have never known what trust _is_. 

Will you take the time, the effort to see past the masks they have put up? Will you risk that much of yourself to help someone else in pain? Will you offer up that last scrap of hope to someone who might not know what it is, or how to reach for it? 

People like that are rare, and even rarer are the ones who do so even though they carry their own share of pain and hurt. 

They also say that strength is something measured not by physical means, by the size of one's heart. Of one's willingness to give everything they are for another. Even if it means they might lose themselves in doing so. True strength, or so they say, is something measured by the size of one's spirit, one's soul rather than brute muscle. 

As I've said, so few people care to look past Tsuzuki's masks, but there are people who have. Some have done so simply because he means that much to them. Some have done so because to do otherwise goes against their very nature. And then there are those who have done so because they recognized something of themselves in him. 

Tatsumi…he is the first of those types. I am more of the second, and as for the third type of person… 

Kurosaki Hisoka is a rare case of his own, and one of the few people who is able to reach beyond his own pain to help another. Maybe it was Fate, or some other power that chose to put the two of them together the way they have been. Maybe there is truth in the saying that healing comes through pain, and pain through healing. And maybe…maybe there are some things that no one can explain. 

For whatever reason, Hisoka has managed to move past his own memories, his own suffering to help Tsuzuki with his. And Tsuzuki does the same for him. Watching them you wouldn't think such a thing possible, but nevertheless it's true. They fight their own inner battles, and then they reach out to each other. For understanding, for friendship, and most importantly for acceptance. Of who they are, and what they've been through. 

And that is what everyone asks for in the end. To be accepted, despite all of their faults and mistakes. Despite the things they have done wrong in life or death, and the things left undone. Despite the things they could have done differently, had things been different. Despite their shortcomings, their arrogance and pride. And most certainly despite the fear that controls even the strongest of people. Everyone wants some measure of acceptance and the ability to trust, because they know how important those things are. 

Remember that, and you need never lose sight of what it is to be human. Remember that you are not the only who feels pain and suffering, and choose to do something about it. Remember what it is to be alone with your pain, and look to the person closest to you. Do you want them to feel that way and do nothing to help? We all make our own decisions throughout life, and now in death, but some decisions are more important than others. 

Discover which ones they are, and you will know what to do. 

~ _Yutaka Watari_ ~

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**To Be Continued...**

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	5. Part 5

Holy crap, but it's been a long time since I so much as touched this fic. Still...it is one of my favorite of the fics I've written. At any rate...part five - the Hisoka chapter. Written largely due to my having listened to David Sylvian's "Darkest Dreaming" on repeat all morning - it's a beautiful song, all melancholy and haunting and hurty. But in a good way. :)

silvershadeus

Disclaimer: I do not own _Yami no Matsuei_, I'm just borrowing the characters for a little while.

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Legacy - Part 5**

There is a story about an oak tree and a reed, one breaking beneath the weight of the storm and the other yielding to it. It's a lovely story, and bitterly sad in some ways. I've always wondered a little about it, thought of it at odd moments and pondered the meaning of the story. The lessons to be learned from it. I'm not at all sure I've come away with the same answers other people must have. 

In the story I understand that pride and dignity - for surely the oak had plenty of both to have become such a fine tree - can be one's downfall if one isn't willing to give way, give ground in certain matters. The thing I'm not entirely sure about is what qualities the reed had that it was willing to do so. Certainly it didn't lack either of those qualities, for every being shares them in some capacity, but what was it about the reed that allowed it to surrender before the storm?

And here my coworkers would pause and consider the point that perhaps I put too much of my energy into thinking about trivial things instead of doing what I should be doing. Perhaps they're right about that, as I have been known to get sidetracked by such things, but...there is a method to my madness, to quote a famous playwright.

In this line of work, I have seen many things beyond imagination, seen many great men - and other beings - fall because they were unable to adapt to the changing times and situations. Because they were so sure they would never fail, that their plans were flawless. I have known good and true people who could not alter their way of thinking and their perceptions, only to be brought low by the things they refused to acknowledge. I have also known good and true people who were willing to accept there were things beyond their realm of understanding, things they had never considered possible, and learned from them.

That may be the real lesson to be learned from the story of the oak tree and the reed - the ability to adapt to changing situations in order to survive. There is something to Darwin's theory after all, one cannot survive if one is not willing to adapt.

Still...some changes take time to come about. Time and care and patience, but it is most definitely worth it.

And this, or course, would be where Kurosaki Hisoka comes in. The newest Shinigami added to our ranks, he is also the youngest. At sixteen, he died before his time, as so many of us do, but his story in particular is...

I will say that he has known his share of hardship. And even then those words do nothing to explain what he's gone through in his time. He has lived, experienced things no one should ever have to, and yet he has made it through. Survived, and become a better person in the process. Stronger.

Sometimes in order to survive the only thing someone can do is endure. Do what it takes to make it through, and deal with what results from it later. Or not at all in some cases. Life is cruel in what it chooses to throw our way, and sometimes...

Sometimes survival means remaining who you are, not losing yourself to the darkness. The pain. There are ways to keep hold of your sanity, methods to ground yourself, but not everyone knows about them.

The easiest thing to do is build a barrier between yourself and the world. A wall to keep others out, to keep them from hurting you more than they already have. A veritable fortress designed to isolate you from others - those that would hurt and those that would help.

Regarding Hisoka...when you're used to having to hide yourself - protect yourself - for so long it becomes amazingly difficult to simply stop. It's hard to tell yourself that it's safe, that _you're_ safe. That it's okay to take your defenses down and simply be. It's hard to learn to trust enough to lower the barriers in the first place, but to do so willingly and believe in others...it takes a tremendous act of courage that has nothing to do with physical danger and everything to do with the heart.

Hisoka told me once that he didn't hate his parents for what they'd done to him, that he _couldn't_ hate them because for all that they had done to him, they were still his parents. They had loved him, perhaps they still did, but they'd been faced with something they didn't or couldn't understand, and had reacted in the most human way possible. Out of fear and hate and cruelty.

Maybe they'd thought they were doing the right thing at the time, maybe they regretted their actions when it was too late, I don't know. What I do know is that they gave him him life and he was grateful for that. They gave him warmth, love and acceptance at one point in his life, and it's shown in his actions and words since. He's a remarkable person, one of the few with heart strong enough to handle what life has thrown at him and not break beneath the weight of it. He's come close more than once, but there is a strength of spirit at the core of him that won't let him give in so easily. He's learned to reach out to others, to rely on them for strength when he has none, and in some ways that's a greater strength than any other. The ability to trust another so completely that you place yourself in their hands, telling them without words that you have faith they won't let you down.

In the end, mere survival isn't enough. Survival isn't just about who is stronger, who is better - it's about life and living. It's one thing to endure, to make it through...but if you don't have the strength of heart, of spirit, to pick yourself up and move on there is no point to having survived in the first place.

_Yutaka Watari _

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**To Be Continued...**


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